Our life is not all sunshine and roses

I post a lot of fun, happy videos and pictures of Nathan. But our life is definitely not all sunshine and roses. There are days when autism wins and those days are extremely hard.

Nathan's autism comes with anxiety. It gets so bad if the slightest thing in his world changes. We are going on almost two weeks of dealing with meltdowns every single day. And these meltdowns can last hours. And we just have to push through with ignoring, hugs, time outs and anything else we can think of that might make him calm. And the hardest part is, he can't tell us what is bothering him.

He has been falling asleep later and later and either waking up in the middle of the night or super early in the morning and it's so exhausting.

Most nights I cry myself to sleep. And it's from exhaustion from lack of sleep.

Worry that I didn't do enough to help him that day.

Fear thinking about his future.

Grief because I feel like I lost the child who I gave birth to.

Guilt because I lost my cool for a minute during the screaming and yelling of his tantrum.

Anticipation of what tomorrow will bring...will we be doing this all over again?

And questions asking myself what I could have done wrong for him to have this disability.

I love my little guy with all of my heart and all of my being. He is my world and everything I do is for him. Even after he has had the meltdown from hell, I look into his big, beautiful, blue eyes and I see nothing but pure love!!! And then he gives me a huge hug where he melts into me and my world is at peace again.

Autism is a crazy journey but I know Nathan is going to overcome every obstacle thrown at him. And one day we will look back at this point in our lives and it will just be a memory.

Comments

Nothing Comes Easy

Nathan got a "big boy" bike for Christmas. He's five so it seemed fitting. But in our world age doesn't mean anything. He's five and just got potty trained a few months ago. He's five and still can't talk. He's five and is still learning how to dress himself. So being five really doesn't matter. He was outside today on his bike. He loves it. He gets on it like a big boy and tries so hard, but he can't ride it. He doesn't understand the concept of pedaling. So his dad pushes him along pushing his feet as they go. I stood in the window watching with tears in my eyes. On one hand they are tears of utter joy that my son is out there trying to ride his bike. But...on the other hand my tears are of such sadness that everything he does is so extra hard for him. It tears me apart. I know he will get it. I know he won't give up...we won't give up. We will celebrate the milestone extra hard when he's riding a long all on his own. A...

Flirt like his daddy? - I never expected it

This week I asked Nathan's kindergarten teacher how he interacts with the other kids in his class. What she said surprised me... She said how Nathan is with the other kids, he probably learned from his daddy...Nathan is a little flirt with the girls. I was shocked. She said that he is always trying to get this one little girls attention. And his teacher told her to say hi to Nathan...she did and I guess he just got the biggest smile. Fast forward to Sunday night shower. We got him all cleaned and I said to him, "you are such a big boy, you smell so good and you are gonna go to school and smell so good for [little girl's name]." I will tell you he got a smile on his face. So we started doing the little teasing about her and I said is she your friend? He smiled from ear to ear. I got to thinking that I forget sometimes that even though he has autism and maybe his brain doesn't work quite like a typical person, his heart does and his feelings do. It's always s...

Does he dream of talking?

I have so many nights where I dream about Nathan talking to me. Some nights he is holding a whole conversation, some nights it is him learning a new phrase and saying it perfectly. I always wake up feeling like it was real. But I'm brought down to reality when Nathan wakes me up and is still pointing and making noises to try to get what he needs. Last night I was laying with him as he was falling asleep. As he started to get still and I could hear his breathing I started thinking, does he dream that he can talk to me? Does he dream that he can communicate his needs and wants without us trying to decipher what he's trying to tell us? Does he dream that he tells me how his day was after school? I ask him every single day even though I don't get a reply. Does he dream that he is talking to his dad about cars and trucks? Does he tell him his favorite one? Does he dream about talking to other kids and running around and playing with them?...

Through Nathan's Eyes

Search This Blog