Our life is not all sunshine and roses

I post a lot of fun, happy videos and pictures of Nathan. But our life is definitely not all sunshine and roses. There are days when autism wins and those days are extremely hard.

Nathan's autism comes with anxiety. It gets so bad if the slightest thing in his world changes. We are going on almost two weeks of dealing with meltdowns every single day. And these meltdowns can last hours. And we just have to push through with ignoring, hugs, time outs and anything else we can think of that might make him calm. And the hardest part is, he can't tell us what is bothering him.

He has been falling asleep later and later and either waking up in the middle of the night or super early in the morning and it's so exhausting.

Most nights I cry myself to sleep. And it's from exhaustion from lack of sleep.

Worry that I didn't do enough to help him that day.

Fear thinking about his future.

Grief because I feel like I lost the child who I gave birth to.

Guilt because I lost my cool for a minute during the screaming and yelling of his tantrum.

Anticipation of what tomorrow will bring...will we be doing this all over again?

And questions asking myself what I could have done wrong for him to have this disability.

I love my little guy with all of my heart and all of my being. He is my world and everything I do is for him. Even after he has had the meltdown from hell, I look into his big, beautiful, blue eyes and I see nothing but pure love!!! And then he gives me a huge hug where he melts into me and my world is at peace again.

Autism is a crazy journey but I know Nathan is going to overcome every obstacle thrown at him. And one day we will look back at this point in our lives and it will just be a memory.

Comments

Nothing Comes Easy

Nathan got a "big boy" bike for Christmas. He's five so it seemed fitting. But in our world age doesn't mean anything. He's five and just got potty trained a few months ago. He's five and still can't talk. He's five and is still learning how to dress himself. So being five really doesn't matter. He was outside today on his bike. He loves it. He gets on it like a big boy and tries so hard, but he can't ride it. He doesn't understand the concept of pedaling. So his dad pushes him along pushing his feet as they go. I stood in the window watching with tears in my eyes. On one hand they are tears of utter joy that my son is out there trying to ride his bike. But...on the other hand my tears are of such sadness that everything he does is so extra hard for him. It tears me apart. I know he will get it. I know he won't give up...we won't give up. We will celebrate the milestone extra hard when he's riding a long all on his own. A...

Daddy, I've been watching you

Today while driving in the car we heard these lyrics: "He said I've been watching you dad, ain't that cool I'm your buckaroo, I wanna be like you And eat all my food and grow as tall as you are We like fixing things and holding mama's hand Yeah we're just alike, hey ain't we dad I wanna do everything you do So I've been watching you" I started to tear up. I got to thinking about our little boy. Nathan is 5 and is non-verbal with autism. He can say some words when prompted but cannot hold a conversation. When I heard the lyrics I started thinking that Nathan can't say these words to his dad. He can't tell him with his voice how much he wants to be like his dad. But with autism we have learned that words aren't the only way to show love. Nathan constantly tells his dad "I wanna do everything you do, so I've been watching you." He shows it every time he puts on his dad's hat. He shows it every time he grabs the hair cli...

A Letter to my son's Teacher

To my son's teacher From the time I found out that Nathan had autism I started thinking about school and I always got anxiety. Once he entered his second year of pre school my anxiety started going through the roof. I was so worried about him going to Kindergarten. I would cry most nights thinking about it. He was safe in pre school. He had routine. He loved his teacher. I would wonder who his new teacher was going to be. I would pray every single night that God would protect him always and give him the best people in his life to help him continue to grow. To protect him like I would. To keep him safe. The answer to my prayers came when I got the call from you. The moment I spoke to you, I knew God had answered my prayers. Stacey, Nathan has been blessed more than you could ever know. You listened to every single concern without judgement. You listened to every single need of Nathan's. You always go above and beyond to make sure we know Nathan is good. The way you call...

Through Nathan's Eyes

Search This Blog