Through Nathan's Eyes

"Nathan it's time for a haircut" is a trigger to a meltdown like no other.  He screams, he cries, he tries to hide the hair clippers from us. It is one of the worst tasks we have to do with him. We tried taking him to a barber a couple of times, but he would get completely overwhelmed. Over the Summer, Nathan and his sister went and stayed with their grandparents. His grandpa decided to try to take him to a barber shop to get his haircut. We gave the permission thinking, it's a whole new place, he's not with mom and dad, so maybe it will be a good thing. It went FABULOUSLY!!! They sent us picture when he was done and he looked so adorable. Fast forward to a few weeks ago. Picture day was coming up and Nathan deeply needed a haircut. It was so long. We would ask him if he was ready. He would say no. So the day before picture day, I put him in the car and took him to the barber. I was waiting for the meltdown...it didn't come. He walked in and sat down while we

I have so many nights where I dream about Nathan talking to me. Some nights he is holding a whole conversation, some nights it is him learning a new phrase and saying it perfectly.  I always wake up feeling like it was real. But I'm brought down to reality when Nathan wakes me up and is still pointing and making noises to try to get what he needs. Last night I was laying with him as he was falling asleep. As he started to get still and I could hear his breathing I started thinking, does he dream that he can talk to me? Does he dream that he can communicate his needs and wants without us trying to decipher what he's trying to tell us? Does he dream that he tells me how his day was after school? I ask him every single day even though I don't get a reply. Does he dream that he is talking to his dad about cars and trucks? Does he tell him his favorite one?              Does he dream about talking to other kids and running around and playing with them?  Are his dreams full of sa

The other day we were in line at the store. Nathan got to pick out candy and he was so excited. He put his candy on the counter and watched as I was checking out. He was jumping up and down and flapping his arms like he does when he is super excited. Nathan has always "flapped" out of excitement. He will jump and flap, he will lay on the ground and flap. It's a form of stimulation for him and very common in autism. There were some older gentlemen behind us in line and they were commenting about how excited Nathan was for his candy, in a very kind way.  It's very cute to watch him. His joy radiates when he gets super excited about something. It really is the cutest thing to see. But as I was driving home from the store, I got to thinking about Nathan's future.  He's getting older. At 5 years old jumping up and down and flapping your hands is cute. But I know that it won't be considered "cute" when he's bigger, older.  What happens when the &qu

I think about my life and how I imagined it to be. I was going to be married and have children. And we would have a perfect household without chaos. My kids would be in sports and I would be that mom who was at every single practice and game.  That was going to be my life. Well I got the marriage and the family.  But our home is full of chaos. There is very rarely a quiet moment and it's usually when everyone is asleep. Neither of my children play sports. (To be fair my daughter is only one.) And our family is far from perfect. But how could that be? I did everything right.  I had a career. I got married. We planned for our first child when we felt ready. I did everything by the book with my pregnancy. I have never done drugs and I rarely drink.  Why did my child end up with autism? The answer to that question: Autism does not discriminate. Autism doesn't care if you are married or a single parent. Autism doesn't care if you live in a huge house or if you are homeless. Auti

To my son's teacher From the time I found out that Nathan had autism I started thinking about school and I always got anxiety. Once he entered his second year of pre school my anxiety started going through the roof. I was so worried about him going to Kindergarten.  I would cry most nights thinking about it. He was safe in pre school. He had routine. He loved his teacher.  I would wonder who his new teacher was going to be. I would pray every single night that God would protect him always and give him the best people in his life to help him continue to grow. To protect him like I would. To keep him safe. The answer to my prayers came when I got the call from you. The moment I spoke to you, I knew God had answered my prayers. Stacey, Nathan has been blessed more than you could ever know.  You listened to every single concern without judgement. You listened to every single need of Nathan's. You always go above and beyond to make sure we know Nathan is good. The way you call your

Today while driving in the car we heard these lyrics: "He said I've been watching you dad, ain't that cool I'm your buckaroo, I wanna be like you And eat all my food and grow as tall as you are We like fixing things and holding mama's hand Yeah we're just alike, hey ain't we dad I wanna do everything you do So I've been watching you" I started to tear up.  I got to thinking about our little boy.  Nathan is 5 and is non-verbal with autism. He can say some words when prompted but cannot hold a conversation. When I heard the lyrics I started thinking that Nathan can't say these words to his dad. He can't tell him with his voice how much he wants to be like his dad. But with autism we have learned that words aren't the only way to show love. Nathan constantly tells his dad "I wanna do everything you do, so I've been watching you." He shows it every time he puts on his dad's hat. He shows it every time he grabs the hair cli

When you step into our home, you are stepping into our own little world we have created. We have allowed Nathan to be himself and we have adapted to his world. Walking in at any given time you might see different houses lined up just so, including a Peppa Pig house with all of its furniture in place.  And trust me he knows if something is moved. There could be old model cars lined up in only an order that Nathan understands and he stands back and admires his work for hours. Mcdonald's happy meal boxes might be lined up on the table with cars in them because they have been turned into garages. A bowl of milk sitting on the table with a spoon in it, it's the only way he likes to drink milk. A Christmas tree in the middle of the Summer...well you know who doesn't want Christmas in Summer?! Little boys clothes strewn throughout the house because at any given moment he is stripping down to his skivvies or changing into something he picked out all on his own. He has created quite

Nathan got a "big boy" bike for Christmas.  He's five so it seemed fitting. But  in our world age doesn't mean anything.   He's five and just got potty trained a few months ago.  He's five and still can't talk. He's five and is still learning how to dress himself. So being five really doesn't matter. He was outside today on his bike. He loves it. He gets on it like a big boy and tries so hard, but he can't ride it. He doesn't understand the concept of pedaling. So his dad pushes him along pushing his feet as they go. I stood in the window watching with tears in my eyes.  On one hand they are tears of utter joy that my son is out there trying to ride his bike. But...on the other hand my tears are of such sadness that everything he does is so extra hard for him.  It tears me apart. I know he will get it. I know he won't give up...we won't give up. We will celebrate the milestone extra hard when he's riding a long all on his own. A

"Your son has autism."  These words were a sledgehammer to my chest.  These were the words that changed our lives. These were the words that changed our marriage. Neither one of us wanted to accept it. We didn't want our son to have a lifelong struggle. We wanted his life to be as easy as we were able to help make it.  Dom didn't want to accept it at first. He didn't want to believe that anything could be wrong. He wanted to keep believing that Nathan would be fine. I on the other hand dove into the dreaded INTERNET. This was the worst thing that I could do to myself. I would read the worst of the worst about autism and cause myself such anxiety and stress. I would cry all day long. Dom didn't want to hear any of it. He would get so angry that I would "intentionally" make myself cry.  I began keeping what I would find to myself. I felt like I couldn't talk to him about it.  With Autism comes anxiety. Nathan's anxiety would increase.  He would

I can always tell when Nathan is starting to experience anxiety. Things get rearranged over and over in our house. Objects get lined up or placed in a certain position (like the houses above). He crawls back and forth, back and forth just observing what he has lined up. He gets stuck on one thing and you can't break him of it.  Meltdowns begin over every little thing. With him being non-verbal, we have to decipher what might be going on. Did something change? Is he sick? Is he hurting? Are his meds off? Is he just plain tired? Today's anxiety is because his routine changed. We knew it was going to happen. It is inevitable with change. Today, shortly after he got to school, we got a call from the school to come pick him up early due to a covid diagnosis in his classroom. It threw his day all off.  He began to get extra upset over his baby sister wanting to touch his houses. He uses his words to tell her to move. He tries to gently move her. He shows us that she's

This week I asked Nathan's kindergarten teacher how he interacts with the other kids in his class. What she said surprised me... She said how Nathan is with the other kids, he probably learned from his daddy...Nathan is a little flirt with the girls.  I was shocked. She said that he is always trying to get this one little girls attention. And his teacher told her to say hi to Nathan...she did and I guess he just got the biggest smile. Fast forward to Sunday night shower. We got him all cleaned and I said to him, "you are such a big boy, you smell so good and you are gonna go to school and smell so good for [little girl's name]."  I will tell you he got a smile on his face. So we started doing the little teasing about her and I said is she your friend? He smiled from ear to ear. I got to thinking that I forget sometimes that even though he has autism and maybe his brain doesn't work quite like a typical person, his heart does and his feelings do.  It's always s

When we got Nathan's diagnosis in July of 2018, it was a lot to process. We knew he had something going on with him and had our suspicions for a long time, but it still cut deep to hear the official diagnosis. Dom and I said we will do everything we can to help, but with a cliche thought and lack of understanding, we were both adamant about not "drugging our child." Fast forward to 2020 we had to do something. When you watch your poor 4 year old deal with so much anxiety about day-to-day living, it breaks your heart. Nathan's anxiety comes in the forms of not sleeping - waking up at 2:00 am and not going back to sleep.  His anxiety is shown through melt downs that cannot be consoled. His anxiety comes in the form of having something in his head, that he can't communicate, and being stuck on it for hours and sometimes days.  Anxiety for Nathan is moving every picture that is not attached to a wall to different rooms in the house, literally all day long.

I wrote about how much I hated autism one year ago. Nathan was having a hard time, I was having a hard time being pregnant, but so much has changed in a year. Nathan has made huge changes.  We got him on medication that is working so well.  He absolutely loves his little sister and interacts with her with such gentleness and care, it's one of my favorite things to watch.  He is starting to say words and communicate better every single day.  And he is practically potty trained. 💙💙💙 Autism is still hard and we have our struggles, but this little boy never ceases to amaze me. And his smile and bright blue eyes staring at me melt my heart.

It's so hard to not ask why?  Why was I the one that was given the child with the disability? I did everything right.  Why would God punish me? I believe in Him, I thank Him for my blessings every night.  It's so hard not to feel like you are being punished for something. Or your child is being punished for something you did. But I look at my sweet boy and I realize it's not a punishment. He knows Nathan needs me and that I will fight with every bone in my body to make sure he has a good life.  I will be his voice, his advocate, his hug, his discipline. I will do it all. Do I have days where I question God? Yes I do, but I know nobody could give Nathan all that he deserves like his dad and me!!! He is our world and we will do our best to come into his world and see through his eyes!!!💙💙💙