Through Nathan's Eyes

I wrote about how much I hated autism one year ago. Nathan was having a hard time, I was having a hard time being pregnant, but so much has changed in a year. Nathan has made huge changes.  We got him on medication that is working so well.  He absolutely loves his little sister and interacts with her with such gentleness and care, it's one of my favorite things to watch.  He is starting to say words and communicate better every single day.  And he is practically potty trained. 💙💙💙 Autism is still hard and we have our struggles, but this little boy never ceases to amaze me. And his smile and bright blue eyes staring at me melt my heart.

It's so hard to not ask why?  Why was I the one that was given the child with the disability? I did everything right.  Why would God punish me? I believe in Him, I thank Him for my blessings every night.  It's so hard not to feel like you are being punished for something. Or your child is being punished for something you did. But I look at my sweet boy and I realize it's not a punishment. He knows Nathan needs me and that I will fight with every bone in my body to make sure he has a good life.  I will be his voice, his advocate, his hug, his discipline. I will do it all. Do I have days where I question God? Yes I do, but I know nobody could give Nathan all that he deserves like his dad and me!!! He is our world and we will do our best to come into his world and see through his eyes!!!💙💙💙 

I'm crying my eyes out while reading an article about being non-verbal. I have spoke the words in the article so many times.  I wonder what's going on in my beautiful child's brain?  How hard it must be for him to not be able to tell me how he's feeling, what makes him happy, what makes him sad, when he wakes up with night terrors what caused them?  I just comfort him the way I know best. We snuggle and sing. His song is "you are my Sunshine." This song works for him every time.  Nathan is trying so hard every day to say his words. Even if we just get the sound of the first letter we are ecstatic and overly praise him.  I never thought in a million years I'd have a child who couldn't talk to me, but here we are and it is definitely a journey. 💙💙💙

Autism is such a hard disability because the majority of the time you can't physically see the disability.  Nathan does really well in public places, he doesn't need a stroller, he typically walks along side us, and he is redirected really well.  However, he squeals, he flaps, he shows excitement in different forms that might look strange to typical people and as he gets older this will look awkward to some.  All I can hope and pray for is that people are just kind, try not to stare, teach your children it's ok to be a little different.  Because he really is just like you. 💙💙💙

Can I just say, my son is absolutely amazing!!! He is my whole entire world but...I HATE AUTISM!!!  I hate that he has to have it.  I hate that he struggles daily with simple things that we take for granted.  I hate that he can't control his tantrums because he doesn't know how to control his emotions.  I hate that I have to worry about him being bullied because of autism. I just hate it.  I hate that I'm jealous of other moms because their kids don't have autism.  I hate that I cry every day.  I hate that I hate it so much. But I have so much love for my little boy. When he finally reaches a milestone it's the best feeling in the world.  When he comes and gives me big squeezes and stares with those big blue eyes into my eyes with all the love in the world, I melt.  He is my world and as much as I hate autism, I love that he loves me and I love him more than anything.  And that means so much more than the hate.

As always the holidays make me extremely anxious. We don't know how Nathan is going to respond to the excitement of it all. But he had the most amazing day. From the minute he woke up to the minute he went to bed he had a blast.  Simple things like an Easter egg hunt for an almost 4 year old you wouldn't think nothing of. They typically know what they're doing and they're pros. This was Nathan's first hunt and I was so nervous he wasn't going to do it, understand it, or even like it for that matter. But...he loved it!!! He did amazing and I couldn't be more proud. Autism has it's highs and lows. But the highs make all the lows you go through so worth it. I love my little man so much it hurts. Happy Easter!!!

I post a lot of fun, happy videos and pictures of Nathan. But our life is definitely not all sunshine and roses. There are days when autism wins and those days are extremely hard.  Nathan's autism comes with anxiety. It gets so bad if the slightest thing in his world changes. We are going on almost two weeks of dealing with meltdowns every single day. And these meltdowns can last hours. And we just have to push through with ignoring, hugs, time outs and anything else we can think of that might make him calm. And the hardest part is, he can't tell us what is bothering him. He has been falling asleep later and later and either waking up in the middle of the night or super early in the morning and it's so exhausting. Most nights I cry myself to sleep. And it's from exhaustion from lack of sleep.  Worry that I didn't do enough to help him that day.  Fear thinking about his future.  Grief because I feel like I lost the child who I gave birth to.  Guilt because I lost...

It's so hard!!! We have big families, the holidays are always a time to get together. We have always tried to make it to everything, but for the past few years, it has been harder and harder.  1. We start by having anxiety about going and I mean as soon as I hear about the get together.  2. Then we make the very conscious decision to go and get Nathan prepared bringing whatever we think he will need.  3. Once we are there neither one of us can enjoy a conversation, or just sit and eat, we have to chase Nathan around. He doesn't just go and play with the other kids, he barely interacts, he can't talk so he doesn't say hi to people. He doesn't like to hug very many people or even touch them for that matter.  4. We finally know when he's had enough and we decide to leave. We know we haven't stayed long, we know it feels rude, but we have to leave because of him and our own sanity. We are exhausted. 5. Usually I cry on the way home. I leave feeling more depresse...